anxious

i think the word i have been searching for is anxious.

i've lined up so much for myself to live and prepare for and recover from that in the interim of being inspired and awestruck i am left incredibly anxious. pee your pants, spontaneously throw up, cry hysterically in public

anxious.

and yet every moment in the moment feels awesomely slow. my air is viscous and my joints are stiff as i struggle to center and align before the next round of plans. i don't mean to implicate that i am not excited and so expectant of greatness, only that the brimming over of these things is making my insides quake.

good news, i'm writing again. being lost in graphite and charcoal is a beautiful bouyant way of linear thinking, but words are solid. stacked between ribs and piled on the backs of my knees. it's nice to feel another style, it makes you want to respond with your own. you can't ask much more from your writing if it forces response. four weeks of only words is going to be challenging

non-negotiable.

being as incomplete and amorphous as i am, your completion and full-faced smiles are so comfortable.

you haven't said too much.